Let’s be honest, the thought of being creepy to a girl is pretty scary and cringy. We have all seen the guy who just couldn’t read between the lines with a girl and kept pushing and pushing a conversation that was clearly not wanted. When we see it, we think three things as normal men: 1. Wow, this guy is a total moron. 2. God, that was painful to watch. I REALLY do not want a girl to think that about me. 3, No way am I introducing him to my friends that are girls.
And then the thought occurs: What if I come off that way if I go up to a girl in public? She doesn’t know me, she didn’t invite me over, and she might just not want men talking to her.
That fear isn't totally irrational. Of course there are situations where a woman doesn't want to be approached. But here's the more important question:
What actually makes an interaction creepy?
When you go up to a girl, aren't you going to try to read her signals? What if you go up to her and she says, “No, I’m in a hurry,” in a pretty serious tone? That’s totally fine. You say, “No worries, have a good day,” and you’re on your way.
What happens if you then go above and beyond and say, “Wait baby, I was just getting to know you.”
Pretty cringe-worthy, right? Just writing that makes me want to curl up into a ball. What did a person like that think was going to happen?
That is completely missing and not respecting the signal. That is when the line gets crossed. Duh!
And she doesn't necessarily have to scream “LEAVE ME ALONE” for you to figure out that the interaction isn't going anywhere. Maybe she's giving you one-word answers. Maybe she's looking around for an excuse to leave. Maybe she's clearly not engaging with you.
The inability to recognize when the interaction is over is what makes things creepy.
An approach isn't creepy because you expressed interest. It becomes creepy when you stop respecting the other person's ability to say no.
And here's something else that's important:
You cannot control her interpretation of it.
Get this one: I went up to a girl in Colombia who went on a date with me a few days later. The topic of how I went up to her came up, as it can happen from time to time. She told me it was really weird by Colombian standards, but she liked it.
Now if you've ever been to Colombia, or really anywhere in Latin America, someone somewhere has come up to you and tried to sell you something. Sometimes overly aggressively to the point where they just won’t leave you after the first 5 times you say “No, I’m not interested.”
Naturally, I brought this up.
“Hold on. You think a stranger going up to another stranger he finds attractive is weird… but you think that someone coming up to you and sometimes aggressively trying to sell you something you have zero interest in, while not reading the signal that you really don't want some small item like candy or a pair of socks, is… NORMAL?”
I couldn't believe it, but at the same time it made some sense as someone who has lived in the USA for most of his life.
Even so, a tiny percentage of girls will think you're a weirdo simply for coming up to them in public and starting a conversation. They might even get mad or make a scene.
Guess how many times that has happened to me in thousands of approaches?
I can count them on one hand.
And that brings me to something I think is really important for guys who are terrified of being creepy:
You are responsible for how you behave. You are not responsible for controlling what another person thinks of you.
You can approach someone respectfully, give her space, be completely willing to hear no, and still have her think, “That was weird.”
She gets to have that opinion.
By that standard, wasn't everyone “weird” before the internet? People have been walking up to strangers and starting conversations for basically all of human history.
You don't get to control every person's interpretation of you.
The bigger problem is when you start thinking that because you approached her, she now owes you something.
She doesn't.
If you went up to a guy and started talking to him, he doesn't owe you anything. Why would it change when it comes to a woman?
You're simply expressing interest with a girl and giving her the opportunity to interact with you if she wants to.
She gets to decide.
And if the answer is no?
You continue about your life.
That's just two human beings interacting, one expressing interest and the other deciding she isn't interested.
I think a lot of guys make this way more complicated than it needs to be because they're trying to guarantee that the interaction goes perfectly.
They want to know exactly what to say.
Wouldn’t it be nice if there were some magical formula that guarantees the smoothest possible interaction?
You are interacting with another human being. There is going to be some uncertainty. You might stumble over your words. She might be surprised. The conversation might just be awkward. SHE might just be awkward. You might realize five minutes in that you don't even like her.
Awkward isn't the same thing as creepy.
Creepy is ignoring the other person's boundaries and continuing when you've been given a clear signal that the interaction isn't wanted.
And here's the funny part.
The fear of being creepy can sometimes become another excuse not to do anything.
You see a girl.
You think she's beautiful.
You want to talk to her.
And then your brain says:
“But what if she thinks I'm creepy?”
So you don't go.
Ugh, brutal.
Do you realize that by having the empathy to even think that way, you probably have the social capacity to naturally read verbal cues from another human and not be creepy in the first place?
Do you think the actual creeps have that thought process?
If they thought, “How am I making the other person feel right now?” they wouldn't be creepy in the first place.
You walk away feeling like you did the respectful thing.
Unfortunately, “I didn't want to be creepy” can become a very convenient way of protecting yourself from putting yourself on the line and ever having to find out what would have happened.
You don't need to be afraid of expressing interest. You need to be willing to respect disinterest.
And once you understand that distinction, the word “creepy” no longer intimidates you the way it did.
If you can empathize with other people and pick up on social signals in general, you probably aren't in the category of creepy in the first place.
Express interest. Give her the freedom to say no. And when the interaction is over, let it be over.
That's it.
And if you're thinking, “Okay, that's easy for you to say. You've done thousands of approaches.”
You're right.
I have.
But I wasn't always that guy.
There was a time when I could stand 20 feet away from a woman I wanted to talk to and spend years worrying about whether I should walk over. I was terrified of doing the wrong thing, terrified of being rejected, terrified of looking stupid, and terrified of what other people might think.
Eventually, I figured out how to break through that wall.
Not overnight.
Not easily.
And definitely not because I suddenly stopped feeling nervous.
It happened through hundreds and then thousands of uncomfortable experiences, awkward conversations, rejections, small wins, and lessons I couldn't have learned by standing 20 feet away and wondering what might happen.
I eventually wrote the whole story down — how I went from being terrified to approach women to actually breaking through that wall and doing thousands of approaches.
If you're struggling with this right now, you can read the entire memoir for free.
Read the story of how I broke through the wall.
READ THE FREE MEMOIR